A beating heart..... a sign of life.....
something that was lost for my sweet angel Leah. Something I think about each and every day....with each glance at my other two wonderful daughters.
A beating heart..... a sign of life.....
something that I am just not sure will ever be inside my uterus again. Something I think about each and every day....with each glance at my three wonderful daughters.
Something that I miss so much.....
something that gives me anxiety, saddness, fear..... and yet
something I am just not sure I can be a part of again.
And yet, I sit back and watch, listen, celebrate the births of so many wonderful babies.... and my heart rejoices for their lives, for their families, for their futures....and my heart aches for my loss, for my family, for Leah's lost future.
And once again, I will wake up with the weight of MY world on my heart and mind as I yet again attempt to decide....do we try again....do we put our heart out on the line, again.....
A beating heart...a sign of life....
all I ever wanted, all I lost, all I dream of, all I long for, all I am afraid of.
Thursday, August 20, 2009
Sunday, May 31, 2009
The Milestones of Life....
This past week has been an Amazing week filled with milestones and accomplishments....
My sweet baby girl, Ella, graduated from Kindergarten! We are so proud of you Ella, and love you more than words can express. We are so thankful to her amazing teachers for loving her, encouraging her, inspiring her, and teaching her throughout this past 9 months of her life. You have made each and every day of kindergarten a JOY and a Blessing in all of our lives!!
One of the greatest things about having our girl in a Christian school is that her education is centered on Christ, and so in the graduation booklet, each parent was asked to write a prayer to their child....
Our Dearest Ella,
We are so thankful to the Lord for blessing us with you as our daughter. You have brought such incredible joy, love, kindness, and creativity to our lives. Through you we are able to truly enjoy the wonder of God's creation, the joy of life, the love of others, and the beauty of the simplest things. We thank you for being true to your spirit, your self, your love for others. We are so awed and amazed by your intense faith in our heavenly Father, and we look forward to watching your faith continue to blossom and grow over the years. We are touched by your words, taught through your actions, and treasure all of our time with you. May you always start and end your day centered on our Lord, focused on His plans for you, and may your love for Him lead and guide you through the journey of your life.
Dear Lord,
We come to you Lord, with prayers of thanksgiving for gifting us with Ella as our daughter. May we glorify you through our parenting of your treasure, may we humbly lead Ella on a journey through life centered on YOU as her rock, foundation, and may her life be filled with love for others and for You. Lord, we pray that Ella may find her greatest joys in life, and in doing them, may she give glory to You through her actions, words, and deeds. Lord, we pray that Ella's love for learning and love for others continues to blossom in her, continues to overflow throughout all areas of her life. Lord, we are so amazed by your goodness, mercy, and grace for others, we humbly pray that we may parent our daughter with you as our guide, with you as our mentor, with you as our focus. ~ Amen ~
~ Ella Christine Davis ~ May the Lord bless you and keep you, may He make His face shine upon you and give you HIS peace ~
Friday was Ella's milestone filled day...and Saturday was mine...
Together with the greatest running friends EVER, I set out to complete what seemed to be an unattainable goal...I set out to run my first half marathon....13.1 miles. It was the most amazing experience of my life...we ran each and every step, finishing in 2 hrs 43 minutes. I am filled with awe at all of us. In January this seemed unimaginable...impossible... and now, today I sit here at my computer with ice packs on my feet...aches in my body...and a medal around my neck because I DID it!!! WE DID it....together....with the strength of the Lord carrying us at the most difficult times....we recited Philippians 4:13 a few times.... but the single greatest moment was when we neared the finish line our amazing trainer met us there and ran us into the finish....and boy did she run us hard....because of course she doesn't believe in a soft finish...NO way, we had to finish hard...and so we did. And so we accomplished the unimaginable.... We can do it, We did do it, and We will do it again!!!
~Pre-race fun ~
~pre-race prayer~
~The final stretch~
Post race with our amazing trainer Missy!!
My sweet baby girl, Ella, graduated from Kindergarten! We are so proud of you Ella, and love you more than words can express. We are so thankful to her amazing teachers for loving her, encouraging her, inspiring her, and teaching her throughout this past 9 months of her life. You have made each and every day of kindergarten a JOY and a Blessing in all of our lives!!
One of the greatest things about having our girl in a Christian school is that her education is centered on Christ, and so in the graduation booklet, each parent was asked to write a prayer to their child....
Our Dearest Ella,
We are so thankful to the Lord for blessing us with you as our daughter. You have brought such incredible joy, love, kindness, and creativity to our lives. Through you we are able to truly enjoy the wonder of God's creation, the joy of life, the love of others, and the beauty of the simplest things. We thank you for being true to your spirit, your self, your love for others. We are so awed and amazed by your intense faith in our heavenly Father, and we look forward to watching your faith continue to blossom and grow over the years. We are touched by your words, taught through your actions, and treasure all of our time with you. May you always start and end your day centered on our Lord, focused on His plans for you, and may your love for Him lead and guide you through the journey of your life.
Dear Lord,
We come to you Lord, with prayers of thanksgiving for gifting us with Ella as our daughter. May we glorify you through our parenting of your treasure, may we humbly lead Ella on a journey through life centered on YOU as her rock, foundation, and may her life be filled with love for others and for You. Lord, we pray that Ella may find her greatest joys in life, and in doing them, may she give glory to You through her actions, words, and deeds. Lord, we pray that Ella's love for learning and love for others continues to blossom in her, continues to overflow throughout all areas of her life. Lord, we are so amazed by your goodness, mercy, and grace for others, we humbly pray that we may parent our daughter with you as our guide, with you as our mentor, with you as our focus. ~ Amen ~
~ Ella Christine Davis ~ May the Lord bless you and keep you, may He make His face shine upon you and give you HIS peace ~
Friday was Ella's milestone filled day...and Saturday was mine...
Together with the greatest running friends EVER, I set out to complete what seemed to be an unattainable goal...I set out to run my first half marathon....13.1 miles. It was the most amazing experience of my life...we ran each and every step, finishing in 2 hrs 43 minutes. I am filled with awe at all of us. In January this seemed unimaginable...impossible... and now, today I sit here at my computer with ice packs on my feet...aches in my body...and a medal around my neck because I DID it!!! WE DID it....together....with the strength of the Lord carrying us at the most difficult times....we recited Philippians 4:13 a few times.... but the single greatest moment was when we neared the finish line our amazing trainer met us there and ran us into the finish....and boy did she run us hard....because of course she doesn't believe in a soft finish...NO way, we had to finish hard...and so we did. And so we accomplished the unimaginable.... We can do it, We did do it, and We will do it again!!!
~Pre-race fun ~
~pre-race prayer~
~The final stretch~
Post race with our amazing trainer Missy!!
Friday, May 8, 2009
Having a little blog party!!
Okay, so I finally decided to take the plunge and join in on the blog party!! Kelly at Kelly's Korner is hosting a "tour your home" party!! This week...the living room! I have resisted the temptation because we live in a little shoebox, but decided the love shack is just to special to us to keep it in hiding....
so, without further ado....~our living room~
This is the view from our front door
The girls' toy nook
Our sweet Angel Leah's home and tribute. The little urn holds her ashes and the frame on the left is the print of her feet.
so, without further ado....~our living room~
This is the view from our front door
The girls' toy nook
Our sweet Angel Leah's home and tribute. The little urn holds her ashes and the frame on the left is the print of her feet.
Thursday, May 7, 2009
Sweet Caroline....
Today our sweet Caroline turned 3....and oh what a wonderful day it was!!
Caroline got her much hoped for bike!
Morning Lovin' from the sissys!!
Dinner at Bennihana
Being "mama" to her new baby!
My dearest Caroline,
Not a moment goes by that I do not thank the Lord for blessing me with you as my daughter. Your joy for life, and zest for living bring a smile to my face. I love how much you LOVE to be mama to your many babies....love how determined you are to ride bike....love how hard you work to "keep up" with your big sissy....love how much you love your baby sister in heaven...love how much you LOVE the Lord with all your heart!!
Dearest Lord,
Please bless my sweet baby girl with the joy and love for life only you can give. Allow her the discernment to choose to walk in your footprints and to follow your path you have laid out for her. May she always feel your love in her life, your strength in her times of struggle, and your love in times of regret. May she be filled with your grace and mercy as she encounters the many obstacles in life that lay before her...and may we as her parents, guide her in your image, love her with your unconditional love, and accept her with your grace and mercy. We are so thankful Lord for the three daughters you so graciously blessed us with, and we pray that we can always be your light unto their lives, and may we always be your fruit of the spirit offering our children the love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness, and self-control that is found in our walk with you! ~amen~
We LOVE you sweet Caroline, Joyful Ella, and Angel Leah!
Caroline got her much hoped for bike!
Morning Lovin' from the sissys!!
Dinner at Bennihana
Being "mama" to her new baby!
My dearest Caroline,
Not a moment goes by that I do not thank the Lord for blessing me with you as my daughter. Your joy for life, and zest for living bring a smile to my face. I love how much you LOVE to be mama to your many babies....love how determined you are to ride bike....love how hard you work to "keep up" with your big sissy....love how much you love your baby sister in heaven...love how much you LOVE the Lord with all your heart!!
Dearest Lord,
Please bless my sweet baby girl with the joy and love for life only you can give. Allow her the discernment to choose to walk in your footprints and to follow your path you have laid out for her. May she always feel your love in her life, your strength in her times of struggle, and your love in times of regret. May she be filled with your grace and mercy as she encounters the many obstacles in life that lay before her...and may we as her parents, guide her in your image, love her with your unconditional love, and accept her with your grace and mercy. We are so thankful Lord for the three daughters you so graciously blessed us with, and we pray that we can always be your light unto their lives, and may we always be your fruit of the spirit offering our children the love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness, and self-control that is found in our walk with you! ~amen~
We LOVE you sweet Caroline, Joyful Ella, and Angel Leah!
Wednesday, May 6, 2009
Never-ending Blessings....
they keep going and going and going....
no. not the energizer bunny.
they keep going and going.....
the faith of my daughters. their love for our Lord, their belief in the beauty and wonder of their sister Leah.
Yesterday, as I so gracefully weeded the driveway of all it's pesky and annoying budha hairs, my sweet Ella asked if she could send one of our balloons to heaven. Of course, I said yes....one of my favorite memories of Ella as toddler was her unending need to release all balloons to Jesus. See this mama decided that she would *lie* to her children and tell her that balloons were against the law in the car...and therefore all of those adorable free balloons from Trader Joes had no other purpose than to join Jesus in heaven. Anyways, back to yesterday....a moment after Ella released the balloon, she stood looking at the sky, hands clasped in the prayer fist, and she starting talking to her sister, to her baby, to our Leah. And as Caroline stood in wonder, Ella walked over to her sister, put her arm around her, pointed out the small balloon spot in the sky and proceeded to explain to her the destination of the balloon.
Yes, my sweet Ella, there is a Jesus, and in His arms rests our baby, your sister....and together they rejoiced and held a balloon.
and they keep going and going....even when my heart aches beyond words, even when my arms long for the weight of a baby, even when my tears flow unending....my girls keep going...keep believing...keep my FAITH resting in HIM who is our comfort, our strength, our salvation....
Tomorrow is my "middle" sweet girls birthday. Tomorrow my Caroline Grace turns 3. ANd tomorrow we will celebrate the blessing of her life in ours....and tomorrow we will hold our sweet Leah in our thoughts as we celebrate the life of her little big sissy....
no. not the energizer bunny.
they keep going and going.....
the faith of my daughters. their love for our Lord, their belief in the beauty and wonder of their sister Leah.
Yesterday, as I so gracefully weeded the driveway of all it's pesky and annoying budha hairs, my sweet Ella asked if she could send one of our balloons to heaven. Of course, I said yes....one of my favorite memories of Ella as toddler was her unending need to release all balloons to Jesus. See this mama decided that she would *lie* to her children and tell her that balloons were against the law in the car...and therefore all of those adorable free balloons from Trader Joes had no other purpose than to join Jesus in heaven. Anyways, back to yesterday....a moment after Ella released the balloon, she stood looking at the sky, hands clasped in the prayer fist, and she starting talking to her sister, to her baby, to our Leah. And as Caroline stood in wonder, Ella walked over to her sister, put her arm around her, pointed out the small balloon spot in the sky and proceeded to explain to her the destination of the balloon.
Yes, my sweet Ella, there is a Jesus, and in His arms rests our baby, your sister....and together they rejoiced and held a balloon.
and they keep going and going....even when my heart aches beyond words, even when my arms long for the weight of a baby, even when my tears flow unending....my girls keep going...keep believing...keep my FAITH resting in HIM who is our comfort, our strength, our salvation....
Tomorrow is my "middle" sweet girls birthday. Tomorrow my Caroline Grace turns 3. ANd tomorrow we will celebrate the blessing of her life in ours....and tomorrow we will hold our sweet Leah in our thoughts as we celebrate the life of her little big sissy....
Thursday, April 23, 2009
Where there is Hope....there is FAITH....
It is amazing to me...the moments in our lives where God whispers and we can't hear because....well....because we are just to DAMN busy running here and there and everywhere!! I have been there, am often there, will be there again....
BUT, I am trying, and learning, and trying, and learning to be...to let go of the busyness and be. and listen for those God whipsers...those whispers of hope and whispers of faith. I have wondered soooo many times over the past 13 months...Why?? Why did you think I was strong enough to lose my baby? Why did you think that I could handle it? Today I found my answer. Today, in a 5 minute cell phone converstation it struck me.... God knew I could handle it because He ever so carefully placed into my life people who would help me on my journey, help me find hope when I was hopeless, faith when I questioned, the path when I was lost....friends who when I was broken, lost, in need, they were there to help me on the journey. He knew my whispers of faith were going to be a journey...a life lesson....a forever moment.
Because, Today I talked to a friend, a friend who should be questioning, should be yelling, should be angry, should be in a WHy Me phase....and she wasn't. Because she has a faith that can move mountains, a faith that can heal hurts, a faith that can fill voids, a faith that endures forever. And I realized....that God placed me on my path 13 months ago so that I could walk with her....one week after the shocking loss of her mommy. And for that, I am thankful. For that, I am grateful. For that, I am hopeful. For that, I am faithful.
My prayer for myself, and for all of my dear friends and family is that we can stop, look, and listen to the whispers of faith, the hope and love that our Lord gives us everyday, and in many unforseen avenues.
BUT, I am trying, and learning, and trying, and learning to be...to let go of the busyness and be. and listen for those God whipsers...those whispers of hope and whispers of faith. I have wondered soooo many times over the past 13 months...Why?? Why did you think I was strong enough to lose my baby? Why did you think that I could handle it? Today I found my answer. Today, in a 5 minute cell phone converstation it struck me.... God knew I could handle it because He ever so carefully placed into my life people who would help me on my journey, help me find hope when I was hopeless, faith when I questioned, the path when I was lost....friends who when I was broken, lost, in need, they were there to help me on the journey. He knew my whispers of faith were going to be a journey...a life lesson....a forever moment.
Because, Today I talked to a friend, a friend who should be questioning, should be yelling, should be angry, should be in a WHy Me phase....and she wasn't. Because she has a faith that can move mountains, a faith that can heal hurts, a faith that can fill voids, a faith that endures forever. And I realized....that God placed me on my path 13 months ago so that I could walk with her....one week after the shocking loss of her mommy. And for that, I am thankful. For that, I am grateful. For that, I am hopeful. For that, I am faithful.
My prayer for myself, and for all of my dear friends and family is that we can stop, look, and listen to the whispers of faith, the hope and love that our Lord gives us everyday, and in many unforseen avenues.
Friday, April 17, 2009
I Can Only Imagine....
I can only imagine
What it will be like
When I walk
By your side
I can only imagine
What my eyes will see
When your face
Is before me
I can only imagine
I can only imagine
Surrounded by Your glory, what will my heart feel
Will I dance for you Jesus or in awe of you be still
Will I stand in your presence or to my knees will I fall
Will I sing hallelujah, will I be able to speak at all
I can only imagine
I can only imagine
I can only imagine
When that day comes
And I find myself
Standing in the Son
I can only imagine
When all I will do
Is forever
Forever worship You
I can only imagine
This song by Mercy Me has always been so special to me....and yet at the same time so hard to listen to. I can only imagine the homecoming we each get in heaven when we are welcomed into His kingdom...and yet at the same time, the party in heaven is balanced out by the tears we feel here on earth. To be happy and joyful is hard...to know that the Lord has done great things for us, and we are filled with joy...to know that God works for the GOOD in ALL things....to know that though I walk through the valley of the shadow and death I shall fear no evil, to know that at my weakest point the Lord Jesus is carrying me....to know that HIS every plan is perfect....to know that when my heart aches beyond comprehension the Lord is holding me in His arms....
to know that when my loved ones go to heaven the Lord is waiting with open arms...and saying Welcome Home my child, welcome home....
Today, the Lord welcomed home an amazing person...a faithful servant...a follower of His who vowed to make this world a better place....who work tirelessly to reach out to those who were weary and lost...who loved the Lord our God with all her heart, with all her soul, with all her mind...
Today, the Lord said, Welcome home my child, welcome home my good and faithful servant...welcome home my darling...I have been waiting for you. And with that He scooped her into His arms and said...thank you for being my angel on earth. Thank you for taking the time to grow an amazing family. Thank you for taking the time to welcome each and every new face into your church community. Thank you for sharing MY word with others, thank you for being a faithful daughter...thank you for loving, learning, reaching, touching, giving, sharing, showing, guiding, living...and loving all in My name....
Today, April 17, 2009, the Lord opened His arms and welcomed home a beautiful woman...a daughter, a sister, a mother, a wife, a grandmother, an aunt, a friend, a christian...He welcomed home a ROSE....
Lord, may Rose's family feel your love, your peace, your comfort...may their faith in YOU provide them with the hope they need to find joy in their lives and in the life of their Rose....
What it will be like
When I walk
By your side
I can only imagine
What my eyes will see
When your face
Is before me
I can only imagine
I can only imagine
Surrounded by Your glory, what will my heart feel
Will I dance for you Jesus or in awe of you be still
Will I stand in your presence or to my knees will I fall
Will I sing hallelujah, will I be able to speak at all
I can only imagine
I can only imagine
I can only imagine
When that day comes
And I find myself
Standing in the Son
I can only imagine
When all I will do
Is forever
Forever worship You
I can only imagine
This song by Mercy Me has always been so special to me....and yet at the same time so hard to listen to. I can only imagine the homecoming we each get in heaven when we are welcomed into His kingdom...and yet at the same time, the party in heaven is balanced out by the tears we feel here on earth. To be happy and joyful is hard...to know that the Lord has done great things for us, and we are filled with joy...to know that God works for the GOOD in ALL things....to know that though I walk through the valley of the shadow and death I shall fear no evil, to know that at my weakest point the Lord Jesus is carrying me....to know that HIS every plan is perfect....to know that when my heart aches beyond comprehension the Lord is holding me in His arms....
to know that when my loved ones go to heaven the Lord is waiting with open arms...and saying Welcome Home my child, welcome home....
Today, the Lord welcomed home an amazing person...a faithful servant...a follower of His who vowed to make this world a better place....who work tirelessly to reach out to those who were weary and lost...who loved the Lord our God with all her heart, with all her soul, with all her mind...
Today, the Lord said, Welcome home my child, welcome home my good and faithful servant...welcome home my darling...I have been waiting for you. And with that He scooped her into His arms and said...thank you for being my angel on earth. Thank you for taking the time to grow an amazing family. Thank you for taking the time to welcome each and every new face into your church community. Thank you for sharing MY word with others, thank you for being a faithful daughter...thank you for loving, learning, reaching, touching, giving, sharing, showing, guiding, living...and loving all in My name....
Today, April 17, 2009, the Lord opened His arms and welcomed home a beautiful woman...a daughter, a sister, a mother, a wife, a grandmother, an aunt, a friend, a christian...He welcomed home a ROSE....
Lord, may Rose's family feel your love, your peace, your comfort...may their faith in YOU provide them with the hope they need to find joy in their lives and in the life of their Rose....
Thursday, April 16, 2009
Uncertain times....
I always knew I wanted babies...lots of them!! I always knew I wanted more than two..... And so with that Tim and I set out to grow our family. Each pregnancy was increasingly worse than the last one....horrible debilitating sickness morning, noon, and night. For the last two pregnancies (Caroline and Leah, I spent much of the first 20 weeks either over a toilet bowl or laying on the couch. Not fun for me, not fun for my hubby, not fun for my girls....yet inside I always knew this shall pass...it is only temporary and the reward far exceeds to the costs. And then came Leah, and I felt the reward did not exceed the cost, which sent me into a cost analysis mode!! So, I have spent the last 4 months coming to terms with the fact that we will be a family of two living children, that my body will no longer carry another growing baby, that I will be forever grateful for the blessings in my life and focus my energies on loving and enriching those blessings. I came to terms....and I started focusing on my own fitness endeavors, trying to gain control over myself and my need to exercise. And so the running started....always wondered when it would...knew I had it in me as my mom is a "crazy" runner.... I like who I am becoming, love the running, love the changing body...and yet with each step of solitude I experience on my runs, I am thinking...thinking of my babies, my girls here on earth, my baby in heaven, my unborn children I dream of.... and at the same time I think of the road I am on, the person I am becoming...and I am not sure those are the same road. Babies to the left, runners to the right.... I was moving to the right, signed up for my first 1/2 marathon, gave away most of the baby crap...
And then....I held my nephew...and those feeling I keep stuffing down inside...those feelings of I am not done...those feelings of longing for my baby...
They came bubbling back up the surface...
Crap...
Which fork in the road...left or right.....
And then....I held my nephew...and those feeling I keep stuffing down inside...those feelings of I am not done...those feelings of longing for my baby...
They came bubbling back up the surface...
Crap...
Which fork in the road...left or right.....
Sunday, March 22, 2009
I....
I am blessed...
and I LOVE my family!!
Our wonderful, love-filled weekend was music to my heart!!
I *Love* that my girls love their "sissy" they never met!! Anytime we asked them about the weekend they were quick to point out the purpose...Leah....
My life is blessed because my GOD is amazing....and He know the plans He has for us....
xoxoxo
and I LOVE my family!!
Our wonderful, love-filled weekend was music to my heart!!
I *Love* that my girls love their "sissy" they never met!! Anytime we asked them about the weekend they were quick to point out the purpose...Leah....
My life is blessed because my GOD is amazing....and He know the plans He has for us....
xoxoxo
Saturday, March 21, 2009
Because of you...
Because of you, Leah Faith Davis,
I vow to be a better mother
I vow to be a better wife
I vow to be a better daughter
I vow to be a better sister
I vow to be a better friend
I vow to be a better teacher
I vow to be a better person
Because of you....and the gift that you were, are, have been, and will always be...the gift of you as my daughter! I held you for only a moment in my arms, but for a lifetime in my heart!
Because of you, we honor and celebrate your life and stillbirth...this weekend....on the 1st anniversary of our loss!!
Daddy, your sisters, and I piled into the car for a peaceful and serene weekend. We started the weekend with a visit to your tree...and my goodness was it ever so BEAUTIFUL!! Beautiful because of the pink flowers...and beautiful because of the love poured onto the tree from our friends. Our sweet loving friends decorated the tree with the most beautiful bows with delicate little crosses hanging from the bows!
Mommy and daddy were overwhelmed with love for you and for our amazing support system! After our visit to your tree, we headed to the coast for a two night stay in Bodega Bay. The weather was foggy, yet beautiful! We showered your sisters with love and attention as we spent the weekend focusing on our family...
We love you sweet Leah...and not a day goes by that you are not in our thoughts or on our hearts....we still dream of turning back time...
Happy 1st still-birthday Leah Faith Davis!!
Thursday, March 19, 2009
Who am I?
All I can think of right now is the lyrics to a great song....
Who am I that the Lord of all the earth would care to know my name...care to know my hurt?
I just cannot believe that I have lived my life for one year....one year post Leah!! I am feeling strange...feeling weird....not really knowing how to feel.
On one hand my heart aches with every fiber of my being...I feel so empty and lost...
On the other hand my heart is so full of love....and I feel so connected to our Lord...
And so, my journey continues....
And so, I have learned..."I'm a survivor!"
And so, I live...today, tomorrow, forever
I live as a woman who has loved...and loves....and hurts...yet has hope....
Hope for who I am because the Lord of all the earth does so really care to know my hurts....
And I live because Leah Faith Davis so deserves to be loved...and remembered...and honored....
Tomorrow I will stop...and I will love...and I will live for Leah....
And every day I will work to glorify and honor her through my actions, my thoughts, and my words....
Because yesterday, today and tomorrow....I will never forget...because she is and always will be my daughter...my baby...my third born child!!
WIth all that I am...with all that I will be...with all that I can...
I honor and love you Leah Faith Davis!!
Who am I that the Lord of all the earth would care to know my name...care to know my hurt?
I just cannot believe that I have lived my life for one year....one year post Leah!! I am feeling strange...feeling weird....not really knowing how to feel.
On one hand my heart aches with every fiber of my being...I feel so empty and lost...
On the other hand my heart is so full of love....and I feel so connected to our Lord...
And so, my journey continues....
And so, I have learned..."I'm a survivor!"
And so, I live...today, tomorrow, forever
I live as a woman who has loved...and loves....and hurts...yet has hope....
Hope for who I am because the Lord of all the earth does so really care to know my hurts....
And I live because Leah Faith Davis so deserves to be loved...and remembered...and honored....
Tomorrow I will stop...and I will love...and I will live for Leah....
And every day I will work to glorify and honor her through my actions, my thoughts, and my words....
Because yesterday, today and tomorrow....I will never forget...because she is and always will be my daughter...my baby...my third born child!!
WIth all that I am...with all that I will be...with all that I can...
I honor and love you Leah Faith Davis!!
Wednesday, March 18, 2009
One year ago....
One year ago today, the Dr. told me my baby was gone....
One year ago today, I checked into the hospital....
One year ago today, I cried a million tears....
One year ago today, my life change forever....
One year ago today, I checked into the hospital....
One year ago today, I cried a million tears....
One year ago today, my life change forever....
Sunday, March 8, 2009
March
It is March....and every moment of every day is spent wondering....
What if?
What if my baby Leah were alive, in my arms....
What if I could hold her, hug her, snuggle her, kiss her....
What if this was all a bad dream....
These days are hard for me. Really hard. Many of my dear friends are pregnant and I am so happy for them. But it also makes my heart ache. My tears flow...for myself, and my loss, for my baby girl I will never get to hold. I wondered how this month would be for me. And now that it is here, I can honestly say it SUCKS!! I hate it...I wonder if I will always hate March.
And I also wonder if I will be a mama again. If I will be pregnant again. Not too sure. I just don't know if I can put my heart out their again. I am just too scared. AND yet, I trust the plans God has for me....but I wish they didn't hurt so much!!!
Remembering today....
My sweet baby girl, Leah Faith....with all my heart, all my soul, all my being.
What if?
What if my baby Leah were alive, in my arms....
What if I could hold her, hug her, snuggle her, kiss her....
What if this was all a bad dream....
These days are hard for me. Really hard. Many of my dear friends are pregnant and I am so happy for them. But it also makes my heart ache. My tears flow...for myself, and my loss, for my baby girl I will never get to hold. I wondered how this month would be for me. And now that it is here, I can honestly say it SUCKS!! I hate it...I wonder if I will always hate March.
And I also wonder if I will be a mama again. If I will be pregnant again. Not too sure. I just don't know if I can put my heart out their again. I am just too scared. AND yet, I trust the plans God has for me....but I wish they didn't hurt so much!!!
Remembering today....
My sweet baby girl, Leah Faith....with all my heart, all my soul, all my being.
Sunday, February 15, 2009
Last night, as I lay in bed, I wrote my new blog post...in my head. And OF COURSE, it was the BEST darn blog ever...full of life transforming words, wit, and wisdom. and. then. I woke up. and those words, wit, and wisdom had VANISHED!! Oh yes, they vanished into the spaces of motherhood, wife hood, and life. And so, I must start again....
I have been living my life with the belief that God has a purpose, a reason, a plan for each and every one of us. That belief has been propelled and sustained by my faith. Because, faith is the trusting. Faith is believing. Well, Monday was the day when my trusting and believing were confirmed. God really does have a purpose, a reason, and a plan. Yes. HE. Does.
I have often wondered why my life is ....well...my life. Why was I called to be a teacher, a mother, a wife, a daughter, a christian? Was my sweet baby girl, Leah, stillborn because God knew I could handle it...because He knew I would grow from it? Why do some people struggle to become parents while others take their parenthood for granted? Why do capable, loving, wonderful people yearn to hold a baby in their arms while other women neglect the ones they were blessed with? I wish I knew the reason. It is one of the many things in my life that pain me. I sit here questioning my ability to have another baby, to endure another difficult pregnancy, to live another 8 months in misery....because pregnancy and my body do not go together...they fight with one another. It hurts my heart to think that I am scared to have another baby because I am to nervous to be miserable....If I am blessed to carry another baby into this world, regardless of the physical limitations and irritations, I would be blessed!!! And I would hope I could find the joy and miracle of the blessing. Maybe that is one of God's plans for me...to suck it up and embrace my gifts instead of wishing it were a different color, size, shape, etc. Why is it when we are blessed we still feel the need to complain that the blessing is not quite what we wanted...Do starving people in Africa really care about what brand of cereal they eat? Heck no, they are thankful for anything to eat. Maybe that is the purpose of my Leah, to help me stop and be thankful of my blessings, even those I wish were a little bigger, brighter, nicer...and maybe God wants me to hit my friends upside the head when they are not grateful for what He has blessed them with....because to live with envy is a painfully lonely way to life.
So, you ask, how do I know that God has a wonderful perfect plan for each of us?? Because I watched the most miraculous experience unfold!! Our dear friends have tried for years to have a baby....unable to conceive they turned to adoption and within weeks were blessed with the most amazing baby in the world. They adopted their sweet baby when he was only 2 days old. The past 11 months have been filled with love for their sweet baby boy. And 2 weeks ago, that same wonderful couple discovered a positive pregnancy test. That to me is God's hand at work. Had God blessed them with a baby years ago, they never would have adopted their son. He was meant to be theirs....God has a plan for each of us, and in HIS time He unfolds the petals of our life to reveal to us the purpose and plan HE has for us. I don;t know whether my plan includes another baby, but I will patiently wait for God to unfold that petal of my life....and until then I will try to embrace the gifts and blessings He has already bestowed upon me!!
I have been living my life with the belief that God has a purpose, a reason, a plan for each and every one of us. That belief has been propelled and sustained by my faith. Because, faith is the trusting. Faith is believing. Well, Monday was the day when my trusting and believing were confirmed. God really does have a purpose, a reason, and a plan. Yes. HE. Does.
I have often wondered why my life is ....well...my life. Why was I called to be a teacher, a mother, a wife, a daughter, a christian? Was my sweet baby girl, Leah, stillborn because God knew I could handle it...because He knew I would grow from it? Why do some people struggle to become parents while others take their parenthood for granted? Why do capable, loving, wonderful people yearn to hold a baby in their arms while other women neglect the ones they were blessed with? I wish I knew the reason. It is one of the many things in my life that pain me. I sit here questioning my ability to have another baby, to endure another difficult pregnancy, to live another 8 months in misery....because pregnancy and my body do not go together...they fight with one another. It hurts my heart to think that I am scared to have another baby because I am to nervous to be miserable....If I am blessed to carry another baby into this world, regardless of the physical limitations and irritations, I would be blessed!!! And I would hope I could find the joy and miracle of the blessing. Maybe that is one of God's plans for me...to suck it up and embrace my gifts instead of wishing it were a different color, size, shape, etc. Why is it when we are blessed we still feel the need to complain that the blessing is not quite what we wanted...Do starving people in Africa really care about what brand of cereal they eat? Heck no, they are thankful for anything to eat. Maybe that is the purpose of my Leah, to help me stop and be thankful of my blessings, even those I wish were a little bigger, brighter, nicer...and maybe God wants me to hit my friends upside the head when they are not grateful for what He has blessed them with....because to live with envy is a painfully lonely way to life.
So, you ask, how do I know that God has a wonderful perfect plan for each of us?? Because I watched the most miraculous experience unfold!! Our dear friends have tried for years to have a baby....unable to conceive they turned to adoption and within weeks were blessed with the most amazing baby in the world. They adopted their sweet baby when he was only 2 days old. The past 11 months have been filled with love for their sweet baby boy. And 2 weeks ago, that same wonderful couple discovered a positive pregnancy test. That to me is God's hand at work. Had God blessed them with a baby years ago, they never would have adopted their son. He was meant to be theirs....God has a plan for each of us, and in HIS time He unfolds the petals of our life to reveal to us the purpose and plan HE has for us. I don;t know whether my plan includes another baby, but I will patiently wait for God to unfold that petal of my life....and until then I will try to embrace the gifts and blessings He has already bestowed upon me!!
Sunday, February 1, 2009
Lost in Space
Oh my gosh....almost one month...one month with no words...no sharing....no reaching...no blogging....I have been lost in space....
Yesterday Tim and I loaded the girls in the car and headed down to Monterey for an impromptu trip to the Aquarium. The last real pictures I have of myself pregnant with my Angel Leah were taken almost one year ago at the same aquarium. Traveling without a stroller felt weird...I was suppose to be there with my three girls, and instead I was there with my two girls, holding their hands, while I held Leah in my heart. I was not prepared for the feelings that overcame me throughout the aquarium. Maybe it was because I intentionally purchased a family pass last year with the intention of enjoying it with my 3 kiddos, or maybe it was knowing that it was the place of the last big outing I took while pregnant with Leah....I just don't know...
After enjoying the amazing aquarium and eating a tasty lunch, we headed over to Starbucks so Tim could get his coffee fix. While the girls and I waited for daddy, we wandered around for a little window shopping. I stumbled upon a store that sold beautiful "sayings". My eye was struck by one picture frame....and I could not leave the store without it...
"Sorrow looks back....
Worry looks around....
Faith Looks Up"
It now hangs in my dining room, to remind me of my FAITH, my belief, my knowledge that the Lord of all, my amazing, wonderful Savior does not waste pain!! Every single step, every single moment, every single tear, every single breath was designed by HIM, and has a PURPOSE!! Sometimes I wish that God did not need to give me a "purpose"...but He trusted my strength, He trusted my faith, He trusted my support system....and I try to remember that....but boy oh boy IT IS HARD!!
3 weeks ago I started the Lose it Big competition at the gym!! Supported by 2 amazing women, I am on the BLUE team, working off the weight and gaining a new understanding of my inner strength. This experience is HARD....it calls upon my every muscle, every bit of strength and tenacity. This morning we met at the local high school track for our 2 hour workout. A few of our tasks required us to sprint and jog on different portions of the track. At one time, I was so exhausted...so out of strength, out of stamina, out of energy, out of passion...and as I neared the finish line, Missy (my coach) told me to go for the extra credit and to sprint the straight away (after the finish line!?!?!) I really wanted to quit....I was ready to quit...and yet her energy, her motivation, her spirit, her believing in my gave me the strength, stamina, energy, belief that I could DO IT!! And at that moment, I got it....the Lord believes in me, He knows I have it in me to make it PAST the finish line...to give it my all, even when I want to quit. And my amazing, beautiful, precious LEAH FAITH DAVIS has filled me with that strength, stamina, energy, and tenacity to take another step forward, to reach a little higher, to run a little faster, to reach out to others...My hope is that I can be the cheerleader, the support, the coach to others...that I can be there (like Missy and like our AMAZING LORD) when others feel like giving up!!
Just remember...YOU CAN DO IT!!! You can do it...because you NEVER, EVER, EVER do it alone...because it is at those most difficult, most painful, most hopeless times that our FATHER carries you in His arms.....
And because of Him, because of Leah....I will rise again tomorrow, lace up my shoes and run...even though I won't feel like it....because I know I can DO IT!!
Yesterday Tim and I loaded the girls in the car and headed down to Monterey for an impromptu trip to the Aquarium. The last real pictures I have of myself pregnant with my Angel Leah were taken almost one year ago at the same aquarium. Traveling without a stroller felt weird...I was suppose to be there with my three girls, and instead I was there with my two girls, holding their hands, while I held Leah in my heart. I was not prepared for the feelings that overcame me throughout the aquarium. Maybe it was because I intentionally purchased a family pass last year with the intention of enjoying it with my 3 kiddos, or maybe it was knowing that it was the place of the last big outing I took while pregnant with Leah....I just don't know...
After enjoying the amazing aquarium and eating a tasty lunch, we headed over to Starbucks so Tim could get his coffee fix. While the girls and I waited for daddy, we wandered around for a little window shopping. I stumbled upon a store that sold beautiful "sayings". My eye was struck by one picture frame....and I could not leave the store without it...
"Sorrow looks back....
Worry looks around....
Faith Looks Up"
It now hangs in my dining room, to remind me of my FAITH, my belief, my knowledge that the Lord of all, my amazing, wonderful Savior does not waste pain!! Every single step, every single moment, every single tear, every single breath was designed by HIM, and has a PURPOSE!! Sometimes I wish that God did not need to give me a "purpose"...but He trusted my strength, He trusted my faith, He trusted my support system....and I try to remember that....but boy oh boy IT IS HARD!!
3 weeks ago I started the Lose it Big competition at the gym!! Supported by 2 amazing women, I am on the BLUE team, working off the weight and gaining a new understanding of my inner strength. This experience is HARD....it calls upon my every muscle, every bit of strength and tenacity. This morning we met at the local high school track for our 2 hour workout. A few of our tasks required us to sprint and jog on different portions of the track. At one time, I was so exhausted...so out of strength, out of stamina, out of energy, out of passion...and as I neared the finish line, Missy (my coach) told me to go for the extra credit and to sprint the straight away (after the finish line!?!?!) I really wanted to quit....I was ready to quit...and yet her energy, her motivation, her spirit, her believing in my gave me the strength, stamina, energy, belief that I could DO IT!! And at that moment, I got it....the Lord believes in me, He knows I have it in me to make it PAST the finish line...to give it my all, even when I want to quit. And my amazing, beautiful, precious LEAH FAITH DAVIS has filled me with that strength, stamina, energy, and tenacity to take another step forward, to reach a little higher, to run a little faster, to reach out to others...My hope is that I can be the cheerleader, the support, the coach to others...that I can be there (like Missy and like our AMAZING LORD) when others feel like giving up!!
Just remember...YOU CAN DO IT!!! You can do it...because you NEVER, EVER, EVER do it alone...because it is at those most difficult, most painful, most hopeless times that our FATHER carries you in His arms.....
And because of Him, because of Leah....I will rise again tomorrow, lace up my shoes and run...even though I won't feel like it....because I know I can DO IT!!
Friday, January 2, 2009
*~*~*~Faith~*~*~*
~Faith~
*Believing*
~Trusting~
*Hoping*
~Faith~
The year 2008 began like many others....My life was filled with family, friends, co-workers, students, God. My life flowed....I was married, owned a home, had a dog, had two wonderful daughters, was pregnant with our third child. Life was "normal". The year 2008 ended like none other...My life was still filled with family, friends, etc. Yet it was also filled with sadness, pain, loss, hope, FAITH. For 2008 will always be remembered as the year my life changed, my innocence was shattered, my hope was tarnished, my faith was developed. I will never know why I am the mother of a stillborn. I will never know why I had to hold my tiny 15 ounce daughter in my arms, caress her tiny fingers, marvel at her beautiful toes...I will never know why I lost my baby....BUT, I do know that through this experience I have FAITH and I have HOPE. I have faith in my Lord that He has a plan for me, for my family. I have Faith that my daughter's life has a purpose, a meaning, a reason....that she was born into heaven to make this world a better place! I know that because of you! Because of the many hearts that have embraced my daughter, that have loved her, that have allowed her to give them FAITH! Leah Faith Davis was born into heaven so that we may all have the hope, love, and faith we need to make this world a better place....to reach out to others, to love without limits, to laugh without end, to hope without boundaries.
As the year 2009 begins, I know that I have many more hurdles and obstacles to face...many more mountains to climb...many more tears to cry...and yet I also know that I do not jump those hurdles, climb those mountains, or cry those tears alone. MY faith allows me to rest in the knowledge that when I am jumping, climbing, and crying I am doing so in the arms of my Savior, in the arms of Jesus. And just knowing that those same arms hold my sweet baby girl, gives me all the faith I need to believe in the hope I get through living my life focused on Christ!
May your 2009 be filled with Faith, Hope, and Love! And may you find peace and comfort in a relationship with Christ!
~Faith~
*Believing*
~Trusting~
*Hoping*
~Faith~
*Believing*
~Trusting~
*Hoping*
~Faith~
The year 2008 began like many others....My life was filled with family, friends, co-workers, students, God. My life flowed....I was married, owned a home, had a dog, had two wonderful daughters, was pregnant with our third child. Life was "normal". The year 2008 ended like none other...My life was still filled with family, friends, etc. Yet it was also filled with sadness, pain, loss, hope, FAITH. For 2008 will always be remembered as the year my life changed, my innocence was shattered, my hope was tarnished, my faith was developed. I will never know why I am the mother of a stillborn. I will never know why I had to hold my tiny 15 ounce daughter in my arms, caress her tiny fingers, marvel at her beautiful toes...I will never know why I lost my baby....BUT, I do know that through this experience I have FAITH and I have HOPE. I have faith in my Lord that He has a plan for me, for my family. I have Faith that my daughter's life has a purpose, a meaning, a reason....that she was born into heaven to make this world a better place! I know that because of you! Because of the many hearts that have embraced my daughter, that have loved her, that have allowed her to give them FAITH! Leah Faith Davis was born into heaven so that we may all have the hope, love, and faith we need to make this world a better place....to reach out to others, to love without limits, to laugh without end, to hope without boundaries.
As the year 2009 begins, I know that I have many more hurdles and obstacles to face...many more mountains to climb...many more tears to cry...and yet I also know that I do not jump those hurdles, climb those mountains, or cry those tears alone. MY faith allows me to rest in the knowledge that when I am jumping, climbing, and crying I am doing so in the arms of my Savior, in the arms of Jesus. And just knowing that those same arms hold my sweet baby girl, gives me all the faith I need to believe in the hope I get through living my life focused on Christ!
May your 2009 be filled with Faith, Hope, and Love! And may you find peace and comfort in a relationship with Christ!
~Faith~
*Believing*
~Trusting~
*Hoping*
~Faith~
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