Last night, as I lay in bed, I wrote my new blog post...in my head. And OF COURSE, it was the BEST darn blog ever...full of life transforming words, wit, and wisdom. and. then. I woke up. and those words, wit, and wisdom had VANISHED!! Oh yes, they vanished into the spaces of motherhood, wife hood, and life. And so, I must start again....

I have been living my life with the belief that God has a purpose, a reason, a plan for each and every one of us. That belief has been propelled and sustained by my faith. Because, faith is the trusting. Faith is believing. Well, Monday was the day when my trusting and believing were confirmed. God really does have a purpose, a reason, and a plan. Yes. HE. Does.

I have often wondered why my life is ....well...my life. Why was I called to be a teacher, a mother, a wife, a daughter, a christian? Was my sweet baby girl, Leah, stillborn because God knew I could handle it...because He knew I would grow from it? Why do some people struggle to become parents while others take their parenthood for granted? Why do capable, loving, wonderful people yearn to hold a baby in their arms while other women neglect the ones they were blessed with? I wish I knew the reason. It is one of the many things in my life that pain me. I sit here questioning my ability to have another baby, to endure another difficult pregnancy, to live another 8 months in misery....because pregnancy and my body do not go together...they fight with one another. It hurts my heart to think that I am scared to have another baby because I am to nervous to be miserable....If I am blessed to carry another baby into this world, regardless of the physical limitations and irritations, I would be blessed!!! And I would hope I could find the joy and miracle of the blessing. Maybe that is one of God's plans for me...to suck it up and embrace my gifts instead of wishing it were a different color, size, shape, etc. Why is it when we are blessed we still feel the need to complain that the blessing is not quite what we wanted...Do starving people in Africa really care about what brand of cereal they eat? Heck no, they are thankful for anything to eat. Maybe that is the purpose of my Leah, to help me stop and be thankful of my blessings, even those I wish were a little bigger, brighter, nicer...and maybe God wants me to hit my friends upside the head when they are not grateful for what He has blessed them with....because to live with envy is a painfully lonely way to life.

So, you ask, how do I know that God has a wonderful perfect plan for each of us?? Because I watched the most miraculous experience unfold!! Our dear friends have tried for years to have a baby....unable to conceive they turned to adoption and within weeks were blessed with the most amazing baby in the world. They adopted their sweet baby when he was only 2 days old. The past 11 months have been filled with love for their sweet baby boy. And 2 weeks ago, that same wonderful couple discovered a positive pregnancy test. That to me is God's hand at work. Had God blessed them with a baby years ago, they never would have adopted their son. He was meant to be theirs....God has a plan for each of us, and in HIS time He unfolds the petals of our life to reveal to us the purpose and plan HE has for us. I don;t know whether my plan includes another baby, but I will patiently wait for God to unfold that petal of my life....and until then I will try to embrace the gifts and blessings He has already bestowed upon me!!