Last night, as I lay in bed, I wrote my new blog post...in my head. And OF COURSE, it was the BEST darn blog ever...full of life transforming words, wit, and wisdom. and. then. I woke up. and those words, wit, and wisdom had VANISHED!! Oh yes, they vanished into the spaces of motherhood, wife hood, and life. And so, I must start again....

I have been living my life with the belief that God has a purpose, a reason, a plan for each and every one of us. That belief has been propelled and sustained by my faith. Because, faith is the trusting. Faith is believing. Well, Monday was the day when my trusting and believing were confirmed. God really does have a purpose, a reason, and a plan. Yes. HE. Does.

I have often wondered why my life is ....well...my life. Why was I called to be a teacher, a mother, a wife, a daughter, a christian? Was my sweet baby girl, Leah, stillborn because God knew I could handle it...because He knew I would grow from it? Why do some people struggle to become parents while others take their parenthood for granted? Why do capable, loving, wonderful people yearn to hold a baby in their arms while other women neglect the ones they were blessed with? I wish I knew the reason. It is one of the many things in my life that pain me. I sit here questioning my ability to have another baby, to endure another difficult pregnancy, to live another 8 months in misery....because pregnancy and my body do not go together...they fight with one another. It hurts my heart to think that I am scared to have another baby because I am to nervous to be miserable....If I am blessed to carry another baby into this world, regardless of the physical limitations and irritations, I would be blessed!!! And I would hope I could find the joy and miracle of the blessing. Maybe that is one of God's plans for me...to suck it up and embrace my gifts instead of wishing it were a different color, size, shape, etc. Why is it when we are blessed we still feel the need to complain that the blessing is not quite what we wanted...Do starving people in Africa really care about what brand of cereal they eat? Heck no, they are thankful for anything to eat. Maybe that is the purpose of my Leah, to help me stop and be thankful of my blessings, even those I wish were a little bigger, brighter, nicer...and maybe God wants me to hit my friends upside the head when they are not grateful for what He has blessed them with....because to live with envy is a painfully lonely way to life.

So, you ask, how do I know that God has a wonderful perfect plan for each of us?? Because I watched the most miraculous experience unfold!! Our dear friends have tried for years to have a baby....unable to conceive they turned to adoption and within weeks were blessed with the most amazing baby in the world. They adopted their sweet baby when he was only 2 days old. The past 11 months have been filled with love for their sweet baby boy. And 2 weeks ago, that same wonderful couple discovered a positive pregnancy test. That to me is God's hand at work. Had God blessed them with a baby years ago, they never would have adopted their son. He was meant to be theirs....God has a plan for each of us, and in HIS time He unfolds the petals of our life to reveal to us the purpose and plan HE has for us. I don;t know whether my plan includes another baby, but I will patiently wait for God to unfold that petal of my life....and until then I will try to embrace the gifts and blessings He has already bestowed upon me!!

Lost in Space

Oh my gosh....almost one month...one month with no words...no sharing....no reaching...no blogging....I have been lost in space....

Yesterday Tim and I loaded the girls in the car and headed down to Monterey for an impromptu trip to the Aquarium. The last real pictures I have of myself pregnant with my Angel Leah were taken almost one year ago at the same aquarium. Traveling without a stroller felt weird...I was suppose to be there with my three girls, and instead I was there with my two girls, holding their hands, while I held Leah in my heart. I was not prepared for the feelings that overcame me throughout the aquarium. Maybe it was because I intentionally purchased a family pass last year with the intention of enjoying it with my 3 kiddos, or maybe it was knowing that it was the place of the last big outing I took while pregnant with Leah....I just don't know...
After enjoying the amazing aquarium and eating a tasty lunch, we headed over to Starbucks so Tim could get his coffee fix. While the girls and I waited for daddy, we wandered around for a little window shopping. I stumbled upon a store that sold beautiful "sayings". My eye was struck by one picture frame....and I could not leave the store without it...

"Sorrow looks back....
Worry looks around....
Faith Looks Up"

It now hangs in my dining room, to remind me of my FAITH, my belief, my knowledge that the Lord of all, my amazing, wonderful Savior does not waste pain!! Every single step, every single moment, every single tear, every single breath was designed by HIM, and has a PURPOSE!! Sometimes I wish that God did not need to give me a "purpose"...but He trusted my strength, He trusted my faith, He trusted my support system....and I try to remember that....but boy oh boy IT IS HARD!!

3 weeks ago I started the Lose it Big competition at the gym!! Supported by 2 amazing women, I am on the BLUE team, working off the weight and gaining a new understanding of my inner strength. This experience is HARD....it calls upon my every muscle, every bit of strength and tenacity. This morning we met at the local high school track for our 2 hour workout. A few of our tasks required us to sprint and jog on different portions of the track. At one time, I was so exhausted...so out of strength, out of stamina, out of energy, out of passion...and as I neared the finish line, Missy (my coach) told me to go for the extra credit and to sprint the straight away (after the finish line!?!?!) I really wanted to quit....I was ready to quit...and yet her energy, her motivation, her spirit, her believing in my gave me the strength, stamina, energy, belief that I could DO IT!! And at that moment, I got it....the Lord believes in me, He knows I have it in me to make it PAST the finish line...to give it my all, even when I want to quit. And my amazing, beautiful, precious LEAH FAITH DAVIS has filled me with that strength, stamina, energy, and tenacity to take another step forward, to reach a little higher, to run a little faster, to reach out to others...My hope is that I can be the cheerleader, the support, the coach to others...that I can be there (like Missy and like our AMAZING LORD) when others feel like giving up!!

Just remember...YOU CAN DO IT!!! You can do it...because you NEVER, EVER, EVER do it alone...because it is at those most difficult, most painful, most hopeless times that our FATHER carries you in His arms.....

And because of Him, because of Leah....I will rise again tomorrow, lace up my shoes and run...even though I won't feel like it....because I know I can DO IT!!