Thursday, August 20, 2009

A beating heart.....

A beating heart..... a sign of life.....

something that was lost for my sweet angel Leah. Something I think about each and every day....with each glance at my other two wonderful daughters.

A beating heart..... a sign of life.....

something that I am just not sure will ever be inside my uterus again. Something I think about each and every day....with each glance at my three wonderful daughters.

Something that I miss so much.....
something that gives me anxiety, saddness, fear..... and yet
something I am just not sure I can be a part of again.

And yet, I sit back and watch, listen, celebrate the births of so many wonderful babies.... and my heart rejoices for their lives, for their families, for their futures....and my heart aches for my loss, for my family, for Leah's lost future.

And once again, I will wake up with the weight of MY world on my heart and mind as I yet again attempt to we try we put our heart out on the line, again.....

A beating heart...a sign of life....
all I ever wanted, all I lost, all I dream of, all I long for, all I am afraid of.

Sunday, May 31, 2009

The Milestones of Life....

This past week has been an Amazing week filled with milestones and accomplishments....

My sweet baby girl, Ella, graduated from Kindergarten! We are so proud of you Ella, and love you more than words can express. We are so thankful to her amazing teachers for loving her, encouraging her, inspiring her, and teaching her throughout this past 9 months of her life. You have made each and every day of kindergarten a JOY and a Blessing in all of our lives!!

One of the greatest things about having our girl in a Christian school is that her education is centered on Christ, and so in the graduation booklet, each parent was asked to write a prayer to their child....

Our Dearest Ella,

We are so thankful to the Lord for blessing us with you as our daughter. You have brought such incredible joy, love, kindness, and creativity to our lives. Through you we are able to truly enjoy the wonder of God's creation, the joy of life, the love of others, and the beauty of the simplest things. We thank you for being true to your spirit, your self, your love for others. We are so awed and amazed by your intense faith in our heavenly Father, and we look forward to watching your faith continue to blossom and grow over the years. We are touched by your words, taught through your actions, and treasure all of our time with you. May you always start and end your day centered on our Lord, focused on His plans for you, and may your love for Him lead and guide you through the journey of your life.

Dear Lord,

We come to you Lord, with prayers of thanksgiving for gifting us with Ella as our daughter. May we glorify you through our parenting of your treasure, may we humbly lead Ella on a journey through life centered on YOU as her rock, foundation, and may her life be filled with love for others and for You. Lord, we pray that Ella may find her greatest joys in life, and in doing them, may she give glory to You through her actions, words, and deeds. Lord, we pray that Ella's love for learning and love for others continues to blossom in her, continues to overflow throughout all areas of her life. Lord, we are so amazed by your goodness, mercy, and grace for others, we humbly pray that we may parent our daughter with you as our guide, with you as our mentor, with you as our focus. ~ Amen ~

~ Ella Christine Davis ~ May the Lord bless you and keep you, may He make His face shine upon you and give you HIS peace ~

Friday was Ella's milestone filled day...and Saturday was mine...

Together with the greatest running friends EVER, I set out to complete what seemed to be an unattainable goal...I set out to run my first half marathon....13.1 miles. It was the most amazing experience of my life...we ran each and every step, finishing in 2 hrs 43 minutes. I am filled with awe at all of us. In January this seemed unimaginable...impossible... and now, today I sit here at my computer with ice packs on my feet...aches in my body...and a medal around my neck because I DID it!!! WE DID it....together....with the strength of the Lord carrying us at the most difficult times....we recited Philippians 4:13 a few times.... but the single greatest moment was when we neared the finish line our amazing trainer met us there and ran us into the finish....and boy did she run us hard....because of course she doesn't believe in a soft finish...NO way, we had to finish hard...and so we did. And so we accomplished the unimaginable.... We can do it, We did do it, and We will do it again!!!

~Pre-race fun ~

~pre-race prayer~

~The final stretch~

Post race with our amazing trainer Missy!!

Friday, May 8, 2009

Having a little blog party!!

Okay, so I finally decided to take the plunge and join in on the blog party!! Kelly at Kelly's Korner is hosting a "tour your home" party!! This week...the living room! I have resisted the temptation because we live in a little shoebox, but decided the love shack is just to special to us to keep it in hiding....

so, without further ado....~our living room~

This is the view from our front door

The girls' toy nook

Our sweet Angel Leah's home and tribute. The little urn holds her ashes and the frame on the left is the print of her feet.

Thursday, May 7, 2009

Sweet Caroline....

Today our sweet Caroline turned 3....and oh what a wonderful day it was!!

Caroline got her much hoped for bike!

Morning Lovin' from the sissys!!

Dinner at Bennihana

Being "mama" to her new baby!

My dearest Caroline,
Not a moment goes by that I do not thank the Lord for blessing me with you as my daughter. Your joy for life, and zest for living bring a smile to my face. I love how much you LOVE to be mama to your many how determined you are to ride how hard you work to "keep up" with your big how much you love your baby sister in how much you LOVE the Lord with all your heart!!

Dearest Lord,
Please bless my sweet baby girl with the joy and love for life only you can give. Allow her the discernment to choose to walk in your footprints and to follow your path you have laid out for her. May she always feel your love in her life, your strength in her times of struggle, and your love in times of regret. May she be filled with your grace and mercy as she encounters the many obstacles in life that lay before her...and may we as her parents, guide her in your image, love her with your unconditional love, and accept her with your grace and mercy. We are so thankful Lord for the three daughters you so graciously blessed us with, and we pray that we can always be your light unto their lives, and may we always be your fruit of the spirit offering our children the love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness, and self-control that is found in our walk with you! ~amen~

We LOVE you sweet Caroline, Joyful Ella, and Angel Leah!

Wednesday, May 6, 2009

Never-ending Blessings....

they keep going and going and going....

no. not the energizer bunny.

they keep going and going.....

the faith of my daughters. their love for our Lord, their belief in the beauty and wonder of their sister Leah.

Yesterday, as I so gracefully weeded the driveway of all it's pesky and annoying budha hairs, my sweet Ella asked if she could send one of our balloons to heaven. Of course, I said of my favorite memories of Ella as toddler was her unending need to release all balloons to Jesus. See this mama decided that she would *lie* to her children and tell her that balloons were against the law in the car...and therefore all of those adorable free balloons from Trader Joes had no other purpose than to join Jesus in heaven. Anyways, back to yesterday....a moment after Ella released the balloon, she stood looking at the sky, hands clasped in the prayer fist, and she starting talking to her sister, to her baby, to our Leah. And as Caroline stood in wonder, Ella walked over to her sister, put her arm around her, pointed out the small balloon spot in the sky and proceeded to explain to her the destination of the balloon.

Yes, my sweet Ella, there is a Jesus, and in His arms rests our baby, your sister....and together they rejoiced and held a balloon.

and they keep going and going....even when my heart aches beyond words, even when my arms long for the weight of a baby, even when my tears flow girls keep going...keep believing...keep my FAITH resting in HIM who is our comfort, our strength, our salvation....

Tomorrow is my "middle" sweet girls birthday. Tomorrow my Caroline Grace turns 3. ANd tomorrow we will celebrate the blessing of her life in ours....and tomorrow we will hold our sweet Leah in our thoughts as we celebrate the life of her little big sissy....

Thursday, April 23, 2009

Where there is Hope....there is FAITH....

It is amazing to me...the moments in our lives where God whispers and we can't hear because....well....because we are just to DAMN busy running here and there and everywhere!! I have been there, am often there, will be there again....
BUT, I am trying, and learning, and trying, and learning to let go of the busyness and be. and listen for those God whipsers...those whispers of hope and whispers of faith. I have wondered soooo many times over the past 13 months...Why?? Why did you think I was strong enough to lose my baby? Why did you think that I could handle it? Today I found my answer. Today, in a 5 minute cell phone converstation it struck me.... God knew I could handle it because He ever so carefully placed into my life people who would help me on my journey, help me find hope when I was hopeless, faith when I questioned, the path when I was lost....friends who when I was broken, lost, in need, they were there to help me on the journey. He knew my whispers of faith were going to be a journey...a life lesson....a forever moment.

Because, Today I talked to a friend, a friend who should be questioning, should be yelling, should be angry, should be in a WHy Me phase....and she wasn't. Because she has a faith that can move mountains, a faith that can heal hurts, a faith that can fill voids, a faith that endures forever. And I realized....that God placed me on my path 13 months ago so that I could walk with week after the shocking loss of her mommy. And for that, I am thankful. For that, I am grateful. For that, I am hopeful. For that, I am faithful.

My prayer for myself, and for all of my dear friends and family is that we can stop, look, and listen to the whispers of faith, the hope and love that our Lord gives us everyday, and in many unforseen avenues.

Friday, April 17, 2009

I Can Only Imagine....

I can only imagine
What it will be like
When I walk
By your side

I can only imagine
What my eyes will see
When your face
Is before me
I can only imagine

I can only imagine

Surrounded by Your glory, what will my heart feel
Will I dance for you Jesus or in awe of you be still
Will I stand in your presence or to my knees will I fall
Will I sing hallelujah, will I be able to speak at all
I can only imagine

I can only imagine

I can only imagine
When that day comes
And I find myself
Standing in the Son

I can only imagine
When all I will do
Is forever
Forever worship You
I can only imagine

This song by Mercy Me has always been so special to me....and yet at the same time so hard to listen to. I can only imagine the homecoming we each get in heaven when we are welcomed into His kingdom...and yet at the same time, the party in heaven is balanced out by the tears we feel here on earth. To be happy and joyful is know that the Lord has done great things for us, and we are filled with know that God works for the GOOD in ALL know that though I walk through the valley of the shadow and death I shall fear no evil, to know that at my weakest point the Lord Jesus is carrying know that HIS every plan is know that when my heart aches beyond comprehension the Lord is holding me in His arms....

to know that when my loved ones go to heaven the Lord is waiting with open arms...and saying Welcome Home my child, welcome home....

Today, the Lord welcomed home an amazing person...a faithful servant...a follower of His who vowed to make this world a better place....who work tirelessly to reach out to those who were weary and lost...who loved the Lord our God with all her heart, with all her soul, with all her mind...

Today, the Lord said, Welcome home my child, welcome home my good and faithful servant...welcome home my darling...I have been waiting for you. And with that He scooped her into His arms and said...thank you for being my angel on earth. Thank you for taking the time to grow an amazing family. Thank you for taking the time to welcome each and every new face into your church community. Thank you for sharing MY word with others, thank you for being a faithful daughter...thank you for loving, learning, reaching, touching, giving, sharing, showing, guiding, living...and loving all in My name....

Today, April 17, 2009, the Lord opened His arms and welcomed home a beautiful woman...a daughter, a sister, a mother, a wife, a grandmother, an aunt, a friend, a christian...He welcomed home a ROSE....

Lord, may Rose's family feel your love, your peace, your comfort...may their faith in YOU provide them with the hope they need to find joy in their lives and in the life of their Rose....