Uncertain times....

I always knew I wanted babies...lots of them!! I always knew I wanted more than two..... And so with that Tim and I set out to grow our family. Each pregnancy was increasingly worse than the last one....horrible debilitating sickness morning, noon, and night. For the last two pregnancies (Caroline and Leah, I spent much of the first 20 weeks either over a toilet bowl or laying on the couch. Not fun for me, not fun for my hubby, not fun for my girls....yet inside I always knew this shall pass...it is only temporary and the reward far exceeds to the costs. And then came Leah, and I felt the reward did not exceed the cost, which sent me into a cost analysis mode!! So, I have spent the last 4 months coming to terms with the fact that we will be a family of two living children, that my body will no longer carry another growing baby, that I will be forever grateful for the blessings in my life and focus my energies on loving and enriching those blessings. I came to terms....and I started focusing on my own fitness endeavors, trying to gain control over myself and my need to exercise. And so the running started....always wondered when it would...knew I had it in me as my mom is a "crazy" runner.... I like who I am becoming, love the running, love the changing body...and yet with each step of solitude I experience on my runs, I am thinking...thinking of my babies, my girls here on earth, my baby in heaven, my unborn children I dream of.... and at the same time I think of the road I am on, the person I am becoming...and I am not sure those are the same road. Babies to the left, runners to the right.... I was moving to the right, signed up for my first 1/2 marathon, gave away most of the baby crap...

And then....I held my nephew...and those feeling I keep stuffing down inside...those feelings of I am not done...those feelings of longing for my baby...
They came bubbling back up the surface...

Crap...

Which fork in the road...left or right.....