Tuesday, September 16, 2008

When the going gets tough...the tough...

start crying! AND, I hate crying. I have cried many tears in the past 6 months, and I am tired of crying. Today I forgot to find my strength in the Lord. I forgot to turn to Him to carry me when the going got tough. I forgot to let His joy soar me through the storm. Forgot that I cannot do it alone....

When I returned to school this year, I made the choice to choose JOY. These past few weeks have been the hardest weeks because every morning I wake up knowing that I am not suppose to be going to work. Not suppose to get up, shower, and put my make-up on. I am supposed to be in my shlumpa'dinka clothes, enjoying my days on maternity leave. Yet, 6 months ago God had another plan for me, plan for my daughter Leah, plan for my family. A plan I really didn't want, really don't like, really struggle with everyday. And yet, no matter how much I kick and scream the reality of my life is never going to change. I am living a life I didn't want to live and trying to make the best of every moment. Sometimes it comes easily for me, sometimes the Joy just rolls out the red carpet creating a beautiful path for me to follow. And other days....well you know those days...the Joy hides behind the shadows, the storm clouds, the obstacles that have placed themselves in my path. It is at these times that I am "suppose" to call upon the Lord to give me the strength, the light, the map, the direction, the tools I need to rid the shadows, move the storm clouds, conquer the obstacles. And did I??? HELL NO!! Because I allowed the doubt of satan to creep into my being and cloud my vision, steal my Joy, fill myself with pity, doubt, and frustration, and bring the tears. TEARS I hate crying!!! This afternoon I was so mad...at myself for allowing satan that power over my life, my joy, my spirit.

As I sit here...hours later, filled with love and support from my family, I realize that this pain, sadness, and heartache were important in my growth. See, I got a little cocky...got a little settled...got a little rightous. And boy was that a mistake....and God "gently" knocked me upside the head and said..."Melissa, remember to rely on me, remember to call upon me when you are in need, remember that it is through ME that you will find Joy, Peace, and Hope. Not by your works alone, but through your faith in Me, your trust in Me, your walk with Me." And of course, I was just bouncing along thinking if I just filled my life with a million responsibilities, sharing my love for Jesus with my students, trying to bring Joy to my coworkers, try to bring what I think of as the "perfect amount of commitment to my job" to my coworkers...trying to show them what they can do with a little bit of time and commitment that I would be living His plan for my life. Yet today I realized I was SOOOOO wrong. God's plan for me is to turn to Him, call Him into my life every morning, ask Him to climb on my back and give me the strength I need to overcome all of the obstacles in my life. And if I have to walk that path with just God and I, bringing His love and Joy to the students at my school then I will...because THAT is the plan He has for me. Not the crazy person who was trying to cram things down people's throats hoping they will magically become a person with contagious enthusiasum. No, I need to be the quiet trailblazer walking with the Lord on my arm as I gently spead His love with others. The loudest voice is not always the one people hear. Lord, help me to find the voice You want me to share...the words You want me to say, the love You want me to give...and give me the humility I need to remind myself that I cannot do it alone...I need YOU in my life...my heart...my thoughts.

Lord, please give me Your strength as I face the upcoming days, as I face the days that lie ahead, as I embrace the 6 month anniversary of my beautiful daughter Leah Faith. Lord, give me the courage I need to allow the tears to fall...the tears of heartache that are consuming me right now. Lord, help me to remember YOUR words...Your promise....

Jeremiah 29:11 -
“For I know the plans I have for you, declares the LORD, plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.”

Psalm 139:13, 14 –
“For you created my inmost being; you knit me together in my mother's womb. I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made; your works are wonderful, I know that full well.”

Romans 15:13 -
"May the God of hope fill you with all joy and peace as you trust in him, so that you may overflow with hope by the power of the Holy Spirit."


Noelle said...

Melissa, I love you. Regardless of how much joy you show. I know your life is not filled with joy. I know it sucks right now. But you are here. You need to be here for your family, for your 2 girls here, and yes, even for your co-workers, your friends. You do not need to cram enthusiasm down throats, but be yourself. Feel what you need to feel. We are here and we love you. You do NOT need to put on a brave face. Your feelings make you human and we will love you through it all.

Angie (Angelica Grace Designs) said...

Amen sista! That was a moving and powerful post girl. Thanks for being so transparent with everyone. Keep keeping on and keep relying on God. Just let God be God. And thank you so very much for the note you left on my blog last night. I had tears streaming down my face as I read it. Just hang in there and give God all the glory day in and day out. He is a jealous God and wants you to want "only him."
Thinking about you and praying for you today girlfriend!
Big, huge, hugs...
Angie Seaman