Living with Purpose

When I was a little girl, I would spend hours planning my life...right down to the decor. Oh yes, I would read the Sears and JcPenny's catalog from cover to cover, designing every detail of my house and my life. Of course, I was going to marry a doctor, live in a HUGE house, have 4 children (2boys and 2 girls to be precise), vacation all over the world, and live the life of luxury. I *just knew* this was how my life would be :) right down to the bedding on my bed, oh yes, you heard me right, in my hours of catalogue perusing I even picked the exact bedding I would one day purchase. Thankfully for me, God had His own plans, His own path, His own direction for my life. Some changes are great...like marrying my fabulous best friend and partner, Tim (who happens to not be a doctor, but he is the best husband and daddy I could ever ask for), others were an adjustment, like being a working momma and living in a small house. Once I took the time to embrace the gifts God has given me, I was able to sit back and appreciate my need to work and my loving, tiny home. The hardest change for me to *adjust* to is the loss of my child, my baby, my daughter. I know I will never be the same....never be the happy-go-lucky person I was before Leah, before her death, her delivery, her birth into heaven. BUT, just because I am not the same person, does not mean that I cannot find joy and purpose in my life. The road may not be my road of choice, it may be scary, it may be lonely...but it does still have some beautiful places for me to visit...some purpose. I will NEVER EVER EVER fully understand the purpose of my pain, heartbreak, and sadness...but I hope to continue to see God's hand in the artwork, His touch in my life, His purpose in my pain.

And today I did...I saw His hand, His touch, His purpose. And it was beautiful!!!

See, had my life remained on "my path" I would be the mama of 3 girls, all of whom would be placing demands on my time and attention. I would be on maternity leave. I would be trying to figure out how I am going to balance 3 kids and my job. I would be preparing for my return to work...dragging my feet because I would be predicting an overload...I would walk into work with my body but not my heart and soul...I would be a teacher without passion...without joy...without purpose...because I would be a mama trying to find her balance in life...trying to figure out how to survive the demands of children and the demands of work. I know that I would have been in this phase for awhile...although I do predict that I would have snapped out of it eventually...but I know I would not have taken on the responsibilities that I have taken on...I know that I would not have the enthusiasm and spirit that I do have....I would not have my purpose.

Today I found my purpose...because this summer when I was trying to find my new kind of normal...my joy and my passion, I made a vow to put my heart, soul, joy, and love into my job. I made a vow to embrace the path God has placed me on...to embrace His purpose...and today I found out that He has a great purpose for me!! A purpose filled with joy, smiles, laughter, love, compassion, and fun. Today I helped the student council host their first ever Play Day for all of the students at our school. It was hard work...I was tired...I was ready to collapse...but I didn't!! Because the smiles, laughter, and joy on the faces of the kids and their parents recharged my batteries...and gave me PURPOSE!! God knew I needed to be here today...not on maternity leave....nope!! He needed me here!! And I was...and I am so thankful to the people who took the time out of their lives to share this day with me. My dearest friends who ran around with me today, who helped me make this day special, who were present for the smiles, the love, the joy....who embraced my purpose...I thank you!! This road I am on is not a solo road...nope. Along my journey I meet friends and stranger who touch my life...my heart...my soul and they fill me up with the strength and courage I need to face another day. Thank You for giving my daughter Leah Faith purpose...thank you for giving my life purpose...thank you for be "present" in the good times, the bad times, the hard times, the fun times....Thank you for allowing me to find my purpose!!