loss....

Yesterday a dear friend who was so excited for the future...lost her baby through a miscarriage. Once again those feeling inside me have come rushing towards the surface. Before my pregnancy with Ella, I experienced a miscarriage. Throughout the past 5 years I have held other friends as they have cried the same tears...tears of a miscarriage. And then....came the tears of a stillborn. A baby that I delivered in the hospital, held in my arms, and made the decision to say good-bye to. The hardest decision I ever made...the moment I told the nurse she could take my sweet Leah Faith, from my arms forever....but never from my heart. This most recent loss has me thinking...thinking about life. The moment we, as women, decide we want to 'try' for a baby we are hooked. Every sign of a period brings a heavy heart....every moment of a positive pregnancy test brings joy beyond measure. From the moment we see that positive...we become mothers. We begin the process of loving, nurturing, and caring for our baby. We plan our future....plant our dreams...build our lives...around that one stick...the stick we peed on. From that moment onward, we are mothers. And nothing will take that away. No words, no books, nothing will take that away. So when the heartache of a miscarriage or stillbirth creeps into our lives it not only brings sadness, it takes away our plans, our dreams, our lives. It is at that moment that we become a new person. A survivor....with a hole in our hearts that is going to forever hold the love we have for our baby...the one we never got to meet (and in many cases, never got to hold). No matter when it happens during your pregnancy, the pain is the same. Because the loss of a dream, the loss of baby is indescribable. We will never know why it happens...but we do know that the God of the universe....who knows our tears, is holding us in His tender loving grip as we pick up the pieces and rebuild our lives, our dreams, our future.

The songs I chose for Leah's memorial service were all so special to us...this one is for you (my dear friend traveling the road I wished you would never have to travel. Please remember that you are not on this road alone. For it is at this time in your life that you will only see one set of footprints. Because the Lord Jesus is carrying you...in his tender arms.)
This song, Come to the Father is by Hillsong
Before the world began
You were on His mind
And every tear you cry
Is precious in His eyes
Because of His great love
He gave His only Son
Everything was done
So you would come

Nothing you can do
Could make Him love you more
And nothing that you've done
Could make Him close the door
Because of His great love
He gave His only Son
Everything was done
So you would come

Come to the Father
Though your gift is small
Broken hearts, broken lives
He will take them all
The power of the Word
The power of His blood
Everything was done
So you would come