Sunday, August 17, 2008

My daughter is an addict!!

Yes, she is an addict! We had to preform an intervention today. Still not sure how it will probably take a few days to really understand the depth and extent of her addiction. We are hoping to find a 12 step program for her, and a parents' program for ourselves as we are struggling with how to stay strong, how to avoid enabling her, how to show her she can do it!! You see, our sweet baby Caroline is addicted!! Yes, she is addicted in the worst way. Addicted you say, to what??? O, to the most beloved baby object, her most treasured possession, her pacifiers. Not just one, but 3!!! And today was the day we decided to break that habit, break her spirit, rob her of her most beloved possession in life!! I am so heartbroken that we have decided to do it! Yet, it seemed to almost be necessary because we were no longer able to understand the broken English squelched by the pacifier!!

We started today by burying one pacifier in the yard because Ella wanted to give the paci to Leah. She decided if we bury the pacifier in the ground it would reach sweet baby Leah in heaven. SO off we were to grab a shovel. One paci down, 3 to go. After that we jumped in the car and drove to Build A Bear to make our very own paci bear. You can tell from the pictures how Caroline felt about that!! I am happy to report, however, that she has been great all evening! It might have actually worked. I will report back later in the week.

To top it all off, daddy thought it might be a good idea to make a few changes at once. So, not only is she paci free, she is also crib free. We moved her into a big girl bed tonight...not sure if she will last as both girls are driving us CRAZY!!

It is such a bittersweet moment when our children start growing up. On one hand it is so exciting to watch them reach and accomplish the various milestones of childhood. Yet on the other hand, we know all to well that once those milestones are reached there is no turning back...they are gone forever, only to live in our memories. Watching Caroline reach these milestones is bittersweet. I don't know if I will ever watch another baby reach these milestones. Growing up, my entire life, I always knew I would have at least 3 children, really I wanted 4 or 6. I always wanted to have a big family. Pregnancy, however, does not agree with my body. I am sick, sick beyond words. I want to crawl in a hole and never leave, I vomit more times than it is possible to count, I withdraw from anything and everything, I hate it!!! But around week 18 I begin to feel great, the glow of pregnancy returns to my face...the excitement builds. And then, the unbelievable happened. I became one of THOSE woman. The nameless, faceless women that wander the world with a silent pain. They don't share it easily, many times you meet them and never know....there are the survivors of stillbirth. The pain is so deep, so consuming, so raw. You walk through life with a smile on your face, leaving most people to wonder if you still hurt. Yet inside you rage like an out of control fire. Your heart aches, your body aches, you cannot imagine that this is YOUR life. It is not someone else's life. NO, it is YOUR life! And the reality of your life will never go away, never fade, never diminish, never change. You will always be the nameless, faceless woman who survived a stillbirth. And every milestone you encounter will cause both joy and heartache. Joy because you will watching your living child blossom and grow. Heartache because you will never see your angel baby experience these milestones, never get to rock her to sleep, never get to kiss her sweet lips, never get to stare into her beautiful eyes. It is because of this silent pain that I are family may be done growing. I don't know for sure. I told myself I was taking a year off, a year to focus on my own health, growth, well-being. 9 more months of walking around with an undecided feeling....nine months to grow my inner being...nine months to pray for God's will to become evident. 9 months to discover HIS purpose, 9 allow my Faith to carry me, my Faith to lead me, my Faith to open my eyes and heart. A lifetime to honor my sweet angel baby, Leah Faith. A lifetime to allow her to shine through me!

1 comment:

Sue said...

Melissa -

Tears are streaming down my face as I read your blog. I know I should never read while at work, but could not resist. I feel the same way about Leah. As I watch Caroline and Ella play so well together, I know they would have been wonderful big sisters. You and Tim are such awesome parents, Leah would have had a wonderful life in your family. I have a whole in my heart, which I don't expect will ever go away no matter how many beautiful grandchildren we are blessed with. Love mom