I am blessed...
and I LOVE my family!!
Our wonderful, love-filled weekend was music to my heart!!
I *Love* that my girls love their "sissy" they never met!! Anytime we asked them about the weekend they were quick to point out the purpose...Leah....
My life is blessed because my GOD is amazing....and He know the plans He has for us....
xoxoxo
Sunday, March 22, 2009
Saturday, March 21, 2009
Because of you...
Because of you, Leah Faith Davis,
I vow to be a better mother
I vow to be a better wife
I vow to be a better daughter
I vow to be a better sister
I vow to be a better friend
I vow to be a better teacher
I vow to be a better person
Because of you....and the gift that you were, are, have been, and will always be...the gift of you as my daughter! I held you for only a moment in my arms, but for a lifetime in my heart!
Because of you, we honor and celebrate your life and stillbirth...this weekend....on the 1st anniversary of our loss!!
Daddy, your sisters, and I piled into the car for a peaceful and serene weekend. We started the weekend with a visit to your tree...and my goodness was it ever so BEAUTIFUL!! Beautiful because of the pink flowers...and beautiful because of the love poured onto the tree from our friends. Our sweet loving friends decorated the tree with the most beautiful bows with delicate little crosses hanging from the bows!
Mommy and daddy were overwhelmed with love for you and for our amazing support system! After our visit to your tree, we headed to the coast for a two night stay in Bodega Bay. The weather was foggy, yet beautiful! We showered your sisters with love and attention as we spent the weekend focusing on our family...
We love you sweet Leah...and not a day goes by that you are not in our thoughts or on our hearts....we still dream of turning back time...
Happy 1st still-birthday Leah Faith Davis!!
Thursday, March 19, 2009
Who am I?
All I can think of right now is the lyrics to a great song....
Who am I that the Lord of all the earth would care to know my name...care to know my hurt?
I just cannot believe that I have lived my life for one year....one year post Leah!! I am feeling strange...feeling weird....not really knowing how to feel.
On one hand my heart aches with every fiber of my being...I feel so empty and lost...
On the other hand my heart is so full of love....and I feel so connected to our Lord...
And so, my journey continues....
And so, I have learned..."I'm a survivor!"
And so, I live...today, tomorrow, forever
I live as a woman who has loved...and loves....and hurts...yet has hope....
Hope for who I am because the Lord of all the earth does so really care to know my hurts....
And I live because Leah Faith Davis so deserves to be loved...and remembered...and honored....
Tomorrow I will stop...and I will love...and I will live for Leah....
And every day I will work to glorify and honor her through my actions, my thoughts, and my words....
Because yesterday, today and tomorrow....I will never forget...because she is and always will be my daughter...my baby...my third born child!!
WIth all that I am...with all that I will be...with all that I can...
I honor and love you Leah Faith Davis!!
Who am I that the Lord of all the earth would care to know my name...care to know my hurt?
I just cannot believe that I have lived my life for one year....one year post Leah!! I am feeling strange...feeling weird....not really knowing how to feel.
On one hand my heart aches with every fiber of my being...I feel so empty and lost...
On the other hand my heart is so full of love....and I feel so connected to our Lord...
And so, my journey continues....
And so, I have learned..."I'm a survivor!"
And so, I live...today, tomorrow, forever
I live as a woman who has loved...and loves....and hurts...yet has hope....
Hope for who I am because the Lord of all the earth does so really care to know my hurts....
And I live because Leah Faith Davis so deserves to be loved...and remembered...and honored....
Tomorrow I will stop...and I will love...and I will live for Leah....
And every day I will work to glorify and honor her through my actions, my thoughts, and my words....
Because yesterday, today and tomorrow....I will never forget...because she is and always will be my daughter...my baby...my third born child!!
WIth all that I am...with all that I will be...with all that I can...
I honor and love you Leah Faith Davis!!
Wednesday, March 18, 2009
One year ago....
One year ago today, the Dr. told me my baby was gone....
One year ago today, I checked into the hospital....
One year ago today, I cried a million tears....
One year ago today, my life change forever....
One year ago today, I checked into the hospital....
One year ago today, I cried a million tears....
One year ago today, my life change forever....
Sunday, March 8, 2009
March
It is March....and every moment of every day is spent wondering....
What if?
What if my baby Leah were alive, in my arms....
What if I could hold her, hug her, snuggle her, kiss her....
What if this was all a bad dream....
These days are hard for me. Really hard. Many of my dear friends are pregnant and I am so happy for them. But it also makes my heart ache. My tears flow...for myself, and my loss, for my baby girl I will never get to hold. I wondered how this month would be for me. And now that it is here, I can honestly say it SUCKS!! I hate it...I wonder if I will always hate March.
And I also wonder if I will be a mama again. If I will be pregnant again. Not too sure. I just don't know if I can put my heart out their again. I am just too scared. AND yet, I trust the plans God has for me....but I wish they didn't hurt so much!!!
Remembering today....
My sweet baby girl, Leah Faith....with all my heart, all my soul, all my being.
What if?
What if my baby Leah were alive, in my arms....
What if I could hold her, hug her, snuggle her, kiss her....
What if this was all a bad dream....
These days are hard for me. Really hard. Many of my dear friends are pregnant and I am so happy for them. But it also makes my heart ache. My tears flow...for myself, and my loss, for my baby girl I will never get to hold. I wondered how this month would be for me. And now that it is here, I can honestly say it SUCKS!! I hate it...I wonder if I will always hate March.
And I also wonder if I will be a mama again. If I will be pregnant again. Not too sure. I just don't know if I can put my heart out their again. I am just too scared. AND yet, I trust the plans God has for me....but I wish they didn't hurt so much!!!
Remembering today....
My sweet baby girl, Leah Faith....with all my heart, all my soul, all my being.
Sunday, February 15, 2009
Last night, as I lay in bed, I wrote my new blog post...in my head. And OF COURSE, it was the BEST darn blog ever...full of life transforming words, wit, and wisdom. and. then. I woke up. and those words, wit, and wisdom had VANISHED!! Oh yes, they vanished into the spaces of motherhood, wife hood, and life. And so, I must start again....
I have been living my life with the belief that God has a purpose, a reason, a plan for each and every one of us. That belief has been propelled and sustained by my faith. Because, faith is the trusting. Faith is believing. Well, Monday was the day when my trusting and believing were confirmed. God really does have a purpose, a reason, and a plan. Yes. HE. Does.
I have often wondered why my life is ....well...my life. Why was I called to be a teacher, a mother, a wife, a daughter, a christian? Was my sweet baby girl, Leah, stillborn because God knew I could handle it...because He knew I would grow from it? Why do some people struggle to become parents while others take their parenthood for granted? Why do capable, loving, wonderful people yearn to hold a baby in their arms while other women neglect the ones they were blessed with? I wish I knew the reason. It is one of the many things in my life that pain me. I sit here questioning my ability to have another baby, to endure another difficult pregnancy, to live another 8 months in misery....because pregnancy and my body do not go together...they fight with one another. It hurts my heart to think that I am scared to have another baby because I am to nervous to be miserable....If I am blessed to carry another baby into this world, regardless of the physical limitations and irritations, I would be blessed!!! And I would hope I could find the joy and miracle of the blessing. Maybe that is one of God's plans for me...to suck it up and embrace my gifts instead of wishing it were a different color, size, shape, etc. Why is it when we are blessed we still feel the need to complain that the blessing is not quite what we wanted...Do starving people in Africa really care about what brand of cereal they eat? Heck no, they are thankful for anything to eat. Maybe that is the purpose of my Leah, to help me stop and be thankful of my blessings, even those I wish were a little bigger, brighter, nicer...and maybe God wants me to hit my friends upside the head when they are not grateful for what He has blessed them with....because to live with envy is a painfully lonely way to life.
So, you ask, how do I know that God has a wonderful perfect plan for each of us?? Because I watched the most miraculous experience unfold!! Our dear friends have tried for years to have a baby....unable to conceive they turned to adoption and within weeks were blessed with the most amazing baby in the world. They adopted their sweet baby when he was only 2 days old. The past 11 months have been filled with love for their sweet baby boy. And 2 weeks ago, that same wonderful couple discovered a positive pregnancy test. That to me is God's hand at work. Had God blessed them with a baby years ago, they never would have adopted their son. He was meant to be theirs....God has a plan for each of us, and in HIS time He unfolds the petals of our life to reveal to us the purpose and plan HE has for us. I don;t know whether my plan includes another baby, but I will patiently wait for God to unfold that petal of my life....and until then I will try to embrace the gifts and blessings He has already bestowed upon me!!
I have been living my life with the belief that God has a purpose, a reason, a plan for each and every one of us. That belief has been propelled and sustained by my faith. Because, faith is the trusting. Faith is believing. Well, Monday was the day when my trusting and believing were confirmed. God really does have a purpose, a reason, and a plan. Yes. HE. Does.
I have often wondered why my life is ....well...my life. Why was I called to be a teacher, a mother, a wife, a daughter, a christian? Was my sweet baby girl, Leah, stillborn because God knew I could handle it...because He knew I would grow from it? Why do some people struggle to become parents while others take their parenthood for granted? Why do capable, loving, wonderful people yearn to hold a baby in their arms while other women neglect the ones they were blessed with? I wish I knew the reason. It is one of the many things in my life that pain me. I sit here questioning my ability to have another baby, to endure another difficult pregnancy, to live another 8 months in misery....because pregnancy and my body do not go together...they fight with one another. It hurts my heart to think that I am scared to have another baby because I am to nervous to be miserable....If I am blessed to carry another baby into this world, regardless of the physical limitations and irritations, I would be blessed!!! And I would hope I could find the joy and miracle of the blessing. Maybe that is one of God's plans for me...to suck it up and embrace my gifts instead of wishing it were a different color, size, shape, etc. Why is it when we are blessed we still feel the need to complain that the blessing is not quite what we wanted...Do starving people in Africa really care about what brand of cereal they eat? Heck no, they are thankful for anything to eat. Maybe that is the purpose of my Leah, to help me stop and be thankful of my blessings, even those I wish were a little bigger, brighter, nicer...and maybe God wants me to hit my friends upside the head when they are not grateful for what He has blessed them with....because to live with envy is a painfully lonely way to life.
So, you ask, how do I know that God has a wonderful perfect plan for each of us?? Because I watched the most miraculous experience unfold!! Our dear friends have tried for years to have a baby....unable to conceive they turned to adoption and within weeks were blessed with the most amazing baby in the world. They adopted their sweet baby when he was only 2 days old. The past 11 months have been filled with love for their sweet baby boy. And 2 weeks ago, that same wonderful couple discovered a positive pregnancy test. That to me is God's hand at work. Had God blessed them with a baby years ago, they never would have adopted their son. He was meant to be theirs....God has a plan for each of us, and in HIS time He unfolds the petals of our life to reveal to us the purpose and plan HE has for us. I don;t know whether my plan includes another baby, but I will patiently wait for God to unfold that petal of my life....and until then I will try to embrace the gifts and blessings He has already bestowed upon me!!
Sunday, February 1, 2009
Lost in Space
Oh my gosh....almost one month...one month with no words...no sharing....no reaching...no blogging....I have been lost in space....
Yesterday Tim and I loaded the girls in the car and headed down to Monterey for an impromptu trip to the Aquarium. The last real pictures I have of myself pregnant with my Angel Leah were taken almost one year ago at the same aquarium. Traveling without a stroller felt weird...I was suppose to be there with my three girls, and instead I was there with my two girls, holding their hands, while I held Leah in my heart. I was not prepared for the feelings that overcame me throughout the aquarium. Maybe it was because I intentionally purchased a family pass last year with the intention of enjoying it with my 3 kiddos, or maybe it was knowing that it was the place of the last big outing I took while pregnant with Leah....I just don't know...
After enjoying the amazing aquarium and eating a tasty lunch, we headed over to Starbucks so Tim could get his coffee fix. While the girls and I waited for daddy, we wandered around for a little window shopping. I stumbled upon a store that sold beautiful "sayings". My eye was struck by one picture frame....and I could not leave the store without it...
"Sorrow looks back....
Worry looks around....
Faith Looks Up"
It now hangs in my dining room, to remind me of my FAITH, my belief, my knowledge that the Lord of all, my amazing, wonderful Savior does not waste pain!! Every single step, every single moment, every single tear, every single breath was designed by HIM, and has a PURPOSE!! Sometimes I wish that God did not need to give me a "purpose"...but He trusted my strength, He trusted my faith, He trusted my support system....and I try to remember that....but boy oh boy IT IS HARD!!
3 weeks ago I started the Lose it Big competition at the gym!! Supported by 2 amazing women, I am on the BLUE team, working off the weight and gaining a new understanding of my inner strength. This experience is HARD....it calls upon my every muscle, every bit of strength and tenacity. This morning we met at the local high school track for our 2 hour workout. A few of our tasks required us to sprint and jog on different portions of the track. At one time, I was so exhausted...so out of strength, out of stamina, out of energy, out of passion...and as I neared the finish line, Missy (my coach) told me to go for the extra credit and to sprint the straight away (after the finish line!?!?!) I really wanted to quit....I was ready to quit...and yet her energy, her motivation, her spirit, her believing in my gave me the strength, stamina, energy, belief that I could DO IT!! And at that moment, I got it....the Lord believes in me, He knows I have it in me to make it PAST the finish line...to give it my all, even when I want to quit. And my amazing, beautiful, precious LEAH FAITH DAVIS has filled me with that strength, stamina, energy, and tenacity to take another step forward, to reach a little higher, to run a little faster, to reach out to others...My hope is that I can be the cheerleader, the support, the coach to others...that I can be there (like Missy and like our AMAZING LORD) when others feel like giving up!!
Just remember...YOU CAN DO IT!!! You can do it...because you NEVER, EVER, EVER do it alone...because it is at those most difficult, most painful, most hopeless times that our FATHER carries you in His arms.....
And because of Him, because of Leah....I will rise again tomorrow, lace up my shoes and run...even though I won't feel like it....because I know I can DO IT!!
Yesterday Tim and I loaded the girls in the car and headed down to Monterey for an impromptu trip to the Aquarium. The last real pictures I have of myself pregnant with my Angel Leah were taken almost one year ago at the same aquarium. Traveling without a stroller felt weird...I was suppose to be there with my three girls, and instead I was there with my two girls, holding their hands, while I held Leah in my heart. I was not prepared for the feelings that overcame me throughout the aquarium. Maybe it was because I intentionally purchased a family pass last year with the intention of enjoying it with my 3 kiddos, or maybe it was knowing that it was the place of the last big outing I took while pregnant with Leah....I just don't know...
After enjoying the amazing aquarium and eating a tasty lunch, we headed over to Starbucks so Tim could get his coffee fix. While the girls and I waited for daddy, we wandered around for a little window shopping. I stumbled upon a store that sold beautiful "sayings". My eye was struck by one picture frame....and I could not leave the store without it...
"Sorrow looks back....
Worry looks around....
Faith Looks Up"
It now hangs in my dining room, to remind me of my FAITH, my belief, my knowledge that the Lord of all, my amazing, wonderful Savior does not waste pain!! Every single step, every single moment, every single tear, every single breath was designed by HIM, and has a PURPOSE!! Sometimes I wish that God did not need to give me a "purpose"...but He trusted my strength, He trusted my faith, He trusted my support system....and I try to remember that....but boy oh boy IT IS HARD!!
3 weeks ago I started the Lose it Big competition at the gym!! Supported by 2 amazing women, I am on the BLUE team, working off the weight and gaining a new understanding of my inner strength. This experience is HARD....it calls upon my every muscle, every bit of strength and tenacity. This morning we met at the local high school track for our 2 hour workout. A few of our tasks required us to sprint and jog on different portions of the track. At one time, I was so exhausted...so out of strength, out of stamina, out of energy, out of passion...and as I neared the finish line, Missy (my coach) told me to go for the extra credit and to sprint the straight away (after the finish line!?!?!) I really wanted to quit....I was ready to quit...and yet her energy, her motivation, her spirit, her believing in my gave me the strength, stamina, energy, belief that I could DO IT!! And at that moment, I got it....the Lord believes in me, He knows I have it in me to make it PAST the finish line...to give it my all, even when I want to quit. And my amazing, beautiful, precious LEAH FAITH DAVIS has filled me with that strength, stamina, energy, and tenacity to take another step forward, to reach a little higher, to run a little faster, to reach out to others...My hope is that I can be the cheerleader, the support, the coach to others...that I can be there (like Missy and like our AMAZING LORD) when others feel like giving up!!
Just remember...YOU CAN DO IT!!! You can do it...because you NEVER, EVER, EVER do it alone...because it is at those most difficult, most painful, most hopeless times that our FATHER carries you in His arms.....
And because of Him, because of Leah....I will rise again tomorrow, lace up my shoes and run...even though I won't feel like it....because I know I can DO IT!!
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