I Can Only Imagine....

I can only imagine
What it will be like
When I walk
By your side

I can only imagine
What my eyes will see
When your face
Is before me
I can only imagine

I can only imagine


Surrounded by Your glory, what will my heart feel
Will I dance for you Jesus or in awe of you be still
Will I stand in your presence or to my knees will I fall
Will I sing hallelujah, will I be able to speak at all
I can only imagine

I can only imagine

I can only imagine
When that day comes
And I find myself
Standing in the Son

I can only imagine
When all I will do
Is forever
Forever worship You
I can only imagine

This song by Mercy Me has always been so special to me....and yet at the same time so hard to listen to. I can only imagine the homecoming we each get in heaven when we are welcomed into His kingdom...and yet at the same time, the party in heaven is balanced out by the tears we feel here on earth. To be happy and joyful is hard...to know that the Lord has done great things for us, and we are filled with joy...to know that God works for the GOOD in ALL things....to know that though I walk through the valley of the shadow and death I shall fear no evil, to know that at my weakest point the Lord Jesus is carrying me....to know that HIS every plan is perfect....to know that when my heart aches beyond comprehension the Lord is holding me in His arms....

to know that when my loved ones go to heaven the Lord is waiting with open arms...and saying Welcome Home my child, welcome home....


Today, the Lord welcomed home an amazing person...a faithful servant...a follower of His who vowed to make this world a better place....who work tirelessly to reach out to those who were weary and lost...who loved the Lord our God with all her heart, with all her soul, with all her mind...

Today, the Lord said, Welcome home my child, welcome home my good and faithful servant...welcome home my darling...I have been waiting for you. And with that He scooped her into His arms and said...thank you for being my angel on earth. Thank you for taking the time to grow an amazing family. Thank you for taking the time to welcome each and every new face into your church community. Thank you for sharing MY word with others, thank you for being a faithful daughter...thank you for loving, learning, reaching, touching, giving, sharing, showing, guiding, living...and loving all in My name....

Today, April 17, 2009, the Lord opened His arms and welcomed home a beautiful woman...a daughter, a sister, a mother, a wife, a grandmother, an aunt, a friend, a christian...He welcomed home a ROSE....



Lord, may Rose's family feel your love, your peace, your comfort...may their faith in YOU provide them with the hope they need to find joy in their lives and in the life of their Rose....

Uncertain times....

I always knew I wanted babies...lots of them!! I always knew I wanted more than two..... And so with that Tim and I set out to grow our family. Each pregnancy was increasingly worse than the last one....horrible debilitating sickness morning, noon, and night. For the last two pregnancies (Caroline and Leah, I spent much of the first 20 weeks either over a toilet bowl or laying on the couch. Not fun for me, not fun for my hubby, not fun for my girls....yet inside I always knew this shall pass...it is only temporary and the reward far exceeds to the costs. And then came Leah, and I felt the reward did not exceed the cost, which sent me into a cost analysis mode!! So, I have spent the last 4 months coming to terms with the fact that we will be a family of two living children, that my body will no longer carry another growing baby, that I will be forever grateful for the blessings in my life and focus my energies on loving and enriching those blessings. I came to terms....and I started focusing on my own fitness endeavors, trying to gain control over myself and my need to exercise. And so the running started....always wondered when it would...knew I had it in me as my mom is a "crazy" runner.... I like who I am becoming, love the running, love the changing body...and yet with each step of solitude I experience on my runs, I am thinking...thinking of my babies, my girls here on earth, my baby in heaven, my unborn children I dream of.... and at the same time I think of the road I am on, the person I am becoming...and I am not sure those are the same road. Babies to the left, runners to the right.... I was moving to the right, signed up for my first 1/2 marathon, gave away most of the baby crap...

And then....I held my nephew...and those feeling I keep stuffing down inside...those feelings of I am not done...those feelings of longing for my baby...
They came bubbling back up the surface...

Crap...

Which fork in the road...left or right.....

I....

I am blessed...
and I LOVE my family!!

Our wonderful, love-filled weekend was music to my heart!!
I *Love* that my girls love their "sissy" they never met!! Anytime we asked them about the weekend they were quick to point out the purpose...Leah....

My life is blessed because my GOD is amazing....and He know the plans He has for us....

xoxoxo

Because of you...

Because of you, Leah Faith Davis,

I vow to be a better mother
I vow to be a better wife
I vow to be a better daughter
I vow to be a better sister
I vow to be a better friend
I vow to be a better teacher
I vow to be a better person
Because of you....and the gift that you were, are, have been, and will always be...the gift of you as my daughter! I held you for only a moment in my arms, but for a lifetime in my heart!

Because of you, we honor and celebrate your life and stillbirth...this weekend....on the 1st anniversary of our loss!!

Daddy, your sisters, and I piled into the car for a peaceful and serene weekend. We started the weekend with a visit to your tree...and my goodness was it ever so BEAUTIFUL!! Beautiful because of the pink flowers...and beautiful because of the love poured onto the tree from our friends. Our sweet loving friends decorated the tree with the most beautiful bows with delicate little crosses hanging from the bows!



Mommy and daddy were overwhelmed with love for you and for our amazing support system! After our visit to your tree, we headed to the coast for a two night stay in Bodega Bay. The weather was foggy, yet beautiful! We showered your sisters with love and attention as we spent the weekend focusing on our family...







We love you sweet Leah...and not a day goes by that you are not in our thoughts or on our hearts....we still dream of turning back time...

Happy 1st still-birthday Leah Faith Davis!!

Who am I?

All I can think of right now is the lyrics to a great song....

Who am I that the Lord of all the earth would care to know my name...care to know my hurt?

I just cannot believe that I have lived my life for one year....one year post Leah!! I am feeling strange...feeling weird....not really knowing how to feel.

On one hand my heart aches with every fiber of my being...I feel so empty and lost...

On the other hand my heart is so full of love....and I feel so connected to our Lord...

And so, my journey continues....
And so, I have learned..."I'm a survivor!"
And so, I live...today, tomorrow, forever
I live as a woman who has loved...and loves....and hurts...yet has hope....
Hope for who I am because the Lord of all the earth does so really care to know my hurts....
And I live because Leah Faith Davis so deserves to be loved...and remembered...and honored....

Tomorrow I will stop...and I will love...and I will live for Leah....

And every day I will work to glorify and honor her through my actions, my thoughts, and my words....

Because yesterday, today and tomorrow....I will never forget...because she is and always will be my daughter...my baby...my third born child!!

WIth all that I am...with all that I will be...with all that I can...
I honor and love you Leah Faith Davis!!

One year ago....

One year ago today, the Dr. told me my baby was gone....
One year ago today, I checked into the hospital....
One year ago today, I cried a million tears....
One year ago today, my life change forever....

March

It is March....and every moment of every day is spent wondering....
What if?
What if my baby Leah were alive, in my arms....
What if I could hold her, hug her, snuggle her, kiss her....
What if this was all a bad dream....

These days are hard for me. Really hard. Many of my dear friends are pregnant and I am so happy for them. But it also makes my heart ache. My tears flow...for myself, and my loss, for my baby girl I will never get to hold. I wondered how this month would be for me. And now that it is here, I can honestly say it SUCKS!! I hate it...I wonder if I will always hate March.

And I also wonder if I will be a mama again. If I will be pregnant again. Not too sure. I just don't know if I can put my heart out their again. I am just too scared. AND yet, I trust the plans God has for me....but I wish they didn't hurt so much!!!

Remembering today....



My sweet baby girl, Leah Faith....with all my heart, all my soul, all my being.